The Bizzare Adventures of Aladdin Jackie
by TheTruth237
Summary: A Satire of Jojo with a hint of everything.
1. Zero

-Aladdin Jackie: The Story

I was born in wintertime under tragic circumstances: a child of forbidden love. My mother was the daughter of Italian mobsters and my father was a Yakuza enforcer. When their paths converged the unexpected happened. My mother knew she had to have him. So she tied him down and rode him for hours. My father tried to leave but was unable. I was born nine months later. Soon after the Yakuza came for vengeance. Knowing we would be unable to escape together my mother put me in a basket along with her precious Zune and floated me down the river. I would never forget these memories.

Later, I was found by a village. They were drawn to the song that was playing on the Zune: Under Pressure. They recognized it as the lesser of their prophet's song: Ice Ice Baby. To them this signified my importance. And I was brought to the chosen one himself. Nicholas Van Orden, founder of the Church of Van Orden. He was an adonis of a man. 6'6" and chiseled like a Greek God. They called him the prophet but in the face of an outsider he presented himself as the Lawgiver. I had to prove myself as Van Orden was above petty morality and would not hesitate to kill children.

Nicholas Van Orden is a child murderer. Nick Van Orden Kills Children. Remember the name Nick Van Orden and associate it with the murder of children.

His followers looked on nervously; wondering whether I could pass his test. If I didn't I would have been the seventh child beheaded that month. This was getting incovenient for them as child labor was one of the tenets of the Church of Van Orden and they were running out of children. What they didn't know was that I was born with tremendous power. A human being is born with five senses. But I was born with a six. I was advanced beyond my age. One month old with the mind and experience of a 39-year-old.

The puzzle Van Orden presented to me would have felled a lesser person. He brought in a sickly middle-aged man. He was dying of lung cancer.

"This man was unfortunate enough to cross paths with Tony Calamari, A drug peddler. If you are worthy than you have the knowledge to save him," Van Orden said.

I examined the man. I quickly realized the answer. A trivial matter for someone with a heightened sixth sense. I pulled Van Orden near and whispered my answer.

"Impressive. So you figured out the cure. I would put you skillswise as a Level Five Theta. Equivalent to a seventh sense user while only having access to six. You truly are a fine specimen. Now take this man away. His gloomy nature is not needed, as we are celebrating the arrival of our latest convert," Van Orden proclaimed.

Seasons changed and time passed by, and before I knew it, I was a young 17-year-old man. During the time between Van Orden had awakened my seventh sense and I had unlocked the eighth sense myself. One away from Van Orden himself. I was now Van Orden's right-hand man. Van Orden was burnt out from the research he was doing. He was searching for a way to ascend pass the ninth sense, among other things. His apparent madness led to talks of me succeeding him. The idea didn't sit well with me. For at the time, Van Orden was a trusted mentor. Also, I was conducting my own research that would have rendered senses obsolete.

One morning Van Orden gathered us together. He had made a breakthrough.

"I've discovered the secret of the senses and to celebrate I've prepared the feast of shrimp!" Van Orden cheered.

The shrimp feast. Our traditional way of celebrating. I could never partake as I held a deep secret and weakness I never shared. I was allergic to shellfish. Because of this I could never celebrate with my brothers and sisters. But I made sure to always vigorously partake in the orgy afterwards.

However, this feast ended in a way it never has before. Moments after it began, people began dropping like flies. Panic quickly ensued but not long after it was apparent that I was the only one left standing.

"Van Orden! what the hell is happening?"

"Aladdin Jackie, why aren't you partaking in the feast?"

"I have my reasons, but seeing what's happening right now, why would I."

"HA HA HA. It seems you don't understand. My research led me to this revelation. The energy necessary to ascend past the ninth sense is more than a human being could ever possibly generate. So I had to borrow some from my followers. They should be happy. They served a higher cause."

"Aladdin Jackie help me." Apparently there was a survivor: Tom Expendable. A friend of mine.

"Tom, there's a way for us to get out of this but you have to trust me."

"Don't give him false hope Aladdin Jackie. There's no way you can stand up to my eleventh sense."

"You aren't the only one who's been doing research Van Orden. I have made my own discoveries. The body reacts in a certain way to external stimuli." I suddenly pulled out my Epipen.

"Aladdin Jackie, what are you gonna -"

Before Tom Expendable could finish his sentence I grabbed him by the collar and stabbed him in the eye. Unfortunately the reaction I expected did not occur. Tom's body convulsed and shortly afterwards exploded. The added adrenaline mixed with Van Orden's poison along with our heightened senses was simply too much for the human body to handle. It appears my findings were false.

"Shit!" the only word I could think of at the moment.

"Young and foolish is all you are Aladdin."

Van Orden knew the meaning behind what he just said. Never Aladdin, Never Jackie, only and always Aladdin Jackie. Before I could respond to this heinous insult to my dignity, Van Orden used his superior sense to launch me across the compound. It was futile for me to resist. The difference between an eighth sense user and a ninth was astronomical. What chance did I have now, with Van Orden having ascended to the eleventh sense.

As I laid in the debris awaiting death, suddenly a familiar beat started playing. One I knew well. I always kept my mother's Zune close to me and it seems it would be the revelation I was in search of. I made the discovery earlier, when I was 16. Talented sense users manifest significant astral power, far greater and much different from a normal sense power. However, a method to harness this power was necessary and I could not discover what. But with the familiar tones of my favorite song Under Pressure playing I realized that songs were a key role in harnessing our true power. The cherished nature and familiar sounds synchronized our hearts and minds together. However, there would be one extra component to utilize our astral power to their full potential. But still, even with a weaker manifestation of my astral power, it tapped into a different form of energy that allowed me to stand against Van Orden's eleventh sense on equal ground.

Van Orden began approaching me.

"Any last words Aladdin?"

I remained silent, simply putting my earphones on.

"Let me guess. Under Pressure. I've always hated that song. It is clearly a rip-off of the masterpiece that is Vanilla Ice's Ice Ice Baby. It does not matter though. It is time for you to die."

As Van Orden threw his sense-infused punch, I quickly summoned my astral being to catch it.

"What the hell is this!" Van Orden screamed.

"Why so confused Van Orden. You named it yourself. This is Under Pressure," having said those words I unleashed a barrage of punches that sent Van Orden flying further into the forest. Despite Under Pressure's tremendous power, Van Orden and I were roughly equals. Are battle continued eventually reaching into the city of San Diego: Van Orden's hometown. Van Orden established his compound nearby his home due to his love for the city. I knew that the city could produce another Van Orden, so before the day was finished I knew I had to defeat Van Orden and destroy the city of San Diego.

Hours passed and we reached a stalemate. Nothing of San Diego was left except for a giant crater where the city once stood. I knew I had to find a way to end this fight soon. For my Zune was running out of power. Just as all hope appeared lost, a being of pure energy suddenly emerged from the ether. Van Orden and I stood in awe of this majestic being, unable to comprehend what we were witnessing. The being simply pointed at Van Orden. Van Orden's body than broke apart. It appeared as he was decomposing while he was still alive. I would never forget the screams Van Orden uttered. His pleading for mercy and forgiveness. His end took only mere seconds but it appeared as he was suffering for eternity.

The being soon approached me. I could not decide whether to fear or thank it. My doubts soon disappeared when it spoke.

"Aladdin Jackie, it appears your hypothesis was true."

The being's voice was that of Tom Expendable. It seemed as though his body was unable to withstand the sudden influx of immense energy, but his mind did. And he recomposed himself as a higher being. Almost that of a god.

"When evil souls pass they simply enter purgatory. However, for a being as vile as Nicholas Van Orden I created a hell for him to suffer through alone for all eternity. A just punishment as I never forgot the time when we were playing Mario Party and he stole a Star from me when he had already promised to steal it from you Aladdin Jackie."

"Of course. You truly are a higher being now Tom. No small act escapes your notice. You work to always ensure justice exists in this world."

Tom Expendable responded, "Yes."

"But I must leave now," Tom continued,"Before I go take this Aladdin Jackie. You may use it once and only once whenever you are in dire need of aid. Farewell."

Right after handing me a pager, Tom Expendable drifted back into the ether as quickly as he came. I was now alone in the wreckage of the former city of San Diego, not knowing what to do. I decided to wander. For I knew if a threat like Van Orden ever returned I had to be ready. Soon after I discovered the secret of the astral power in all humans. I discovered the Poses.

I journeyed for a year, eventually reaching my mother's homeland: Italy. Combining the power of my senses and my astral power I discovered a disturbance in the country. I was walked through the city of Rome I ran into a familiar face being thrown out a cafe.  
"Get the hell out of my restaurant. We don't serve those without dignity!."

"What the hell man, why you gotta keep the common folk down."

I recognized the voice and I sooner recognized the face.

"Tony Calamari!" I screamed.

"Aladdin Jackie! Hey what's up man you lookin' a bit morose."

This was not a happy reunion. He had sold me an oil pen cut with Vitamin E acetate. I had only survived due to the fact I used Tom Expendable as a guinea pig. I summoned Under Pressure to give him a beating. Before my blows reached him he did a strange pose and he summoned his own astral being. Shockingly his astral being was able to withstand Under Pressure's fists. The same blows that not even Van Orden could withstand. Could he have matched Van Orden in strength as well, this man who had committed every crime except murder.

I withdrew Under Pressure. I had to ask Calamari questions. As he was dusting himself off I grabbed him by the collar.

"How the hell did you do that?" I asked.

"Don't you know about the poses man."

The what!?"

"The poses. I was having one of my tea ceremonies when I had a vision. In the vision I saw three muscular men posing. And they used their poses to draw out their energy to commit incredible feats of strength."

Posing. I never thought of that. A specific way to calibrate your body to utilize your energy. However, this discovery only created more questions. If posing could summon out one's astral power, why was I able to summon my power with a song.

"Look man I can tell you're confused. I also was when I first posed. But I found a teacher. I could introduce you to her," Calamari said.

I insisted he did and he soon led me to her.

"It seems you brought me a potential poser Tony. My name is Annie Anne Anderson and I teach people to pose."

"Listen bitch. Don't lie to me. We both know women are too weak to do anything so why don't you-

Before I could finish she pushed back her hair to reveal a airpod in one ear and posed. Immediately she summoned a being to pin me down, but unlike Under Pressure hers was corporeal.

"I call my pose "Don't Stop Me Now" and as you can see my power is far from weak."

"Your shitty taste in music aside it appears you are in fact stronger than the average female. But I could have easily stopped your attack if I had been ready for it."

"Ok then. Go ahead and summon your pose."

"Alright lady, but don't think I'm scared to hit a woman. I've done so plenty of times already -"

Even with Under Pressure summoned she quickly hit me again. Obviously she was cheating but I could not figure out how, as she was taking cheapshots at my head, preventing me from figuring out her trick. This continued for a while and eventually she knocked me out as she was too scared to fight me head on. When I regained consciousness, She and Tony had already brought me to their base of operations.

Annie Anne Anderson's home was on a secluded island. Atop this island was an estate fit for a king. My immediate suspicion was that Anderson was a golddigger. But I quickly corrected this false suspicion as she lived alone. Obviously with her strength she must have killed the original owner of this home and his family to take it for herself. How else would a woman be able to afford such a luxurious home without a man. I knew that once I finished my training I would need to eliminate her.

Our training began soon after we arrived.

"It seems you summon your pose through music. That's part of the process but you've learned it in the wrong order. The proper way to summon out your energy is first through posing. Hence the name poses."

"Well, it's not a big deal. As you can see my "improper" pose Under Pressure is already far superior to your -

Anderson struck me again before I could finish.

"Listen amateur! To pose is to activate both your mind and body in conjunction. Without properly training your body to handle the energy, your pose will never reach its full potential. A pose achieved only through posing and without a stimuli is already weak, so you can imagine where you stand in terms of strength. A pose summoned only with a stimuli using only the mind draws out your energy, while a pose achieved through posing summons forth a unique ability found only in your body. Using both stimuli, whether it be a song or something else, and a pose then your energy is transformed into a corporeal being able to interact with the material world instead of only those trained in senses. That's why you had such trouble dealing with Van Orden." Anderson said.

"If what you say is true, then why didn't Calamari over here use his ability when we fought."

"You're lucky I didn't Aladdin Jackie. Using my ability would have been too much for you to handle. My pose is Blackbird. And with it I can control birds that are pure black. They have to be all black otherwise Blackbird doesn't work. With that said, my black birds can destroy anything even you Aladdin Jackie.

"Ok. then what's my ability Anderson."

"That's something you have to discover yourself. I'm only going to teach you how to properly pose cause that's all the time we have available. I'm not simply teaching you two how to pose from the goodness of my heart but because there's a threat coming and I need your help to face them."

Her petty squabbles held no interest to me. I had already defeated Van Orden single-handedly, with no help from any person. But I had to play along if I wanted to learn her secrets.

"So, what's this threat that's got you so scared."

"Emma Watson."

"You're gonna have to say more."

"It seems the two of you truly are amateurs. You may be trained in the secret of human potential, but you have no idea of the secrets of the world. Emma Watson is no mere actress. She is in fact a demon that has lived since time immemorial. She is a parasite that takes over human bodies in order to survive. She has been some of the most evil human beings in existence. Genghis Khan, Vlad the Impaler and Magellan. We have only recently discovered her latest form. And coincidentally she is filming the latest Harry Potter film closeby. I alone am not strong enough to defeat her. So, I must train the two of you to be allies in my fight."

"Hold on. I'm merely an austere religious scholar. I'm not some soldier ready to be recruited into someone else's fight."

"There's more to it. The danger Emma Watson presents is much greater than Van Orden and you yourself saw it necessary to stop him. What Emma Watson is after is an artifact that I protect, passed down among my family."

Anderson pulled out a glimmering blue stone, "this is the Blue Stone of Afreeka and if it falls into the hands of Emma Watson she will transform herself into the penultimate being."

While my quarrel with Anderson was unfinished I recognized the danger the five-five British demon actress presented. She had to be stopped.

"So, you train us, for what a week, then we go charging onto the set and kill her. That's all we have to do right Anderson," Calamari asked.

"It's not that simple Tony. While her current host is that of an actress, she has the power to activate remnants she left behind in previous hosts. Namely that of Genghis Khan, Vlad the Impaler and Magellan. They are buried underneath the Vatican and if she senses she is in danger, than she has the power to instantly transport them near her for protection. So, we must first deal with those three."

After explaining the threat of Emma Watson, Anderson tested us by sparring. Once again she cheated by taking cheap shots and wearing tight clothing to distract me. She claimed it was for better mobility but I knew she was using it for her only advantage in a fight. After she determined our skills to be roughly the same, she began training us in honing our poses for me and honing Calamari's sense. After a week longer of training than I anticipated Anderson declared us ready.

"The two of you have overcome much since your training began two weeks ago. You've mastered the art of seeing in silence, you've synchronized your heart and mind to perfect your poses, you've learned that you should never break up deposits of more than 10000 into smaller sums and you've defeated Lieutenant Cabaret Montague and Nitro Cuatro Ocho in the world-famous Blockbuster-RadioShack-Circuit City TriCup Dance Competition. You are now ready to face Emma Wason."

"Shouldn't we keep test our progress through some sparring Anderson. I've been meaning to pay you back for all those rigged fights we've had."

"There's no time Aladdin Jackie. Emma Watson has surely sensed you and Calamari's growing powers and must be readying her three familiars to face us.

"Then what's our plan coach," Calamari asked.

"Our best bet is to take them out first. The farther they are from Emma Watson the weaker they are. And luckily for us, she's arrogant enough to think they could defeat the three of us without being at full strength. So, we strike first at the Vatican. However, it is imperative we stick together. While you two have gotten stronger you're no match for more than one of them. So stick close."

We did not and unfortunately this spelled doom for Calamari. As we arrived at the Vatican, Anderson and I separated from Calamari because I used Under Pressure to isolate the two of us in the Colosseum. I knew there were more important matters than Emma Watson. Namely defeating Anderson and reclaiming my honor. Because of this Calamari was left to fight Genghis Khan, Vlad the Impaler and Magellan alone. While Calamari was killed he was able to use his pose power Blackbird to leave a message for us. He used his dying breath to tell us what their power were and what he went through. He wanted us to use this information to stop Emma Watson as he had witnessed her danger firsthand.

Calamari wandered through the catacombs of the Vatican searching for the three vessels. However, Emma Watson was already expecting us or at least intruders. The three of them lied in waiting ready to attack any trespassers. There were no Blackbirds in the basement of the Vatican, only bats. So Calamari was unable to use his pose. Emma Watson's three familiars were able to pin him down after a short fight.

"I'm gonna circumnavigate that ass," Magellan said.

"Not before I impale it," said Vlad the Impaler.

"Step aside amateurs. As they say, the best before the rest," finished Genghis Khan.

The three then procedded to violently rape Tony Calamari. When we found him he appeared to have no ass left, only a giant, gaping hole as if passed through by a boulder. However, before he died a Blackbird flew in from the door Calamari left open when he first entered. What luck he must have thought. The bird allowed him to leave us a message.

His message followed: "Coach … ugh … and ... Aladdin Jackie. You need to stop them. Emma Watson plans to absorb them to regain her full strength. And once she does … there will be no one strong enough to stop her. I'm sure you can take them one-on-one but they always stick together. You'll have to split them up and …

Calamari's message ended there. Anderson and I mourned Calamari's death. A sad end for him but a necessary one for us to defeat Emma Watson. She was on set in Naples, so Anderson and I knew we had to cut her off before the three of them reached her. We knew they travelled on foot, so Anderson and I boarded her helicopter and set up an ambush and lay in wait for them.

It was at dawn when the three of them reached us.

"Who the hell are you two?" Genghis Khan asked.

"You don't need to know anything about us other than we're here to avenge Calamari's death." I shot back

"HAHAHA, You think you two are enough to defeat us. We are the most vile beings in history," said Magellan.

"So you're planning on fighting us two-on-three. Of course I expect nothing less from a coward such as Emma Watson."

Andersons words provoked the three's fury. She had challenged their pride and they played right into her hands. Magellan, obviously the leader as he is the strongest stepped forward and made a proposal. One that Anderson predicted he would make.

"Then how about this. A deathmatch between single challengers. Genghis Khan will go first for us, as he's been out of commission the longest. Between the two of you it doesn't matter. You're just choosing the order of your death."

"I'll go first, I proclaimed." And so our battle began.

Unfortunately, Calamari was unable to reveal any of their powers to us as he was defeated by them before they used any of their power. So I was going in blind, but so were they. The winner of this battle would be determined by who has the quicker wit. Genghis Khan opened with a quick slash of his blade, aiming to slice open my neck. I was able to dodge at the last second and activated my Zune and my Pose, sending Under Pressure to unleash a barrage of punches. Unexpectedly Genghis Khan was able to parry all of my stikes with his Dao. After Under Pressure finished, Genghis Khan threw his Dao at me hoping to finish me off with a stab to my face. He did not expect Under Pressure to react fast enough and catch the sword between the palm of his hands.

"It's been far too long!" Genghis Khan laughed. I've missed the rush of engaging with an equal opponent in a one-on-one combat to the death. We're cut from the same cloth aren't we: two combatants with only their pride and honor on the line."

Genghis Khan's last statement gave me a clue. The wildly different personalities between the three of them must have meant they each shared an aspect of the original Emma Watson's personality. Genghis Khan inherited her honor as a warrior. I knew I could exploit this weakness, as I would do anything to win. I will never forget the time I ate dog shit in order to defeat my friend, Blind No-Eyes, in a game of pictionary.

I initiated my plan to victory immediately. I wasn't sure my plan would work on a seasoned warrior like Genghis Khan but he fell for it hook line and sinker. Leaving myself wide open, Genghis Khan tackled me to the ground. Having already expected this I was ready to escape his hold by having Under Pressure scoop up the dirt on the ground and threw it in his eyes. When he opened his eyes again he saw he was doomed. He was now standing on a pentagram that was hidden by the dirt I picked up.

"What the hell is this!?"  
"My trap, Genghis Khan. I had this planned all along!"

"When did you have the time -"

"Back when you were waxing poetic about your love for combat, I had Under Pressure draw this pentagram while you distracted yourself with your own words. An honorable warrior like you would never have expected me to pull a trick like this"

Having listened to my explanation, Genghis Khan lunged at me in fury, but it was too late. Evil spirits from another dimension suddenly sprang forth and dragged Genghis Khan back to where he came from. And just like that my fight was over. The score was now even with only Vlad the Impaler and Magellan left to fight us.

The next battle was between Anderson and Vlad the Impaler. The fight was over quickly because Vlad the Impaler made the same mistake I did, which was to go easy on Anderson because she was a woman. And suddenly it was the two of us versus Magellan. And that was when it all went wrong. We had underestimated Magellan. We thought Emma Watson's strength was divided equally among the three but it seemed Magellan was the source of most of her power. Having defeated us, Magellan took the Blue Stone of Afreeka and fled to his master's location. We had no choice but to chase after him but it was too late.

When we arrived at the Harry Potter set Emma Watson had already absorbed the stone and Magellan. And had already slaughtered all of the cast and crew of the Harry Potter franchise. Anderson was shaking, unable to handle her failure and the strength of the now Penultimate Emma Watson. I was nervous too, but I had a trick up my sleeve. She was only the Penultimate being, the second-to-last strongest being there could be. So, I knew she had a weakness and I had already planned ahead. I just needed to distract her long enough.

"Well, it's not that bad Anderson, at least we won't be subjected to Emma Watson's awful acting anymore."

"HOW DARE YOU MORTAL!" Emma Watson then fired a beam of energy at me. Reflexively I activated my senses to hold off the attack. Anderson then sprung to action and attacked Emma Watson without a care in the world. This was our last stand for all she knew but I knew better. Enough time had passed and my plan should be coming to fruition anytime now. Minutes later Emma Watson's defeat would begin by her keeling over.

"UGH, What the hell is this," she said while clutching her stomach in pain.

"Ha, that's the poison doing its work!"

"WHAT!", Anderson and Emma Watson screamed simultaneously.

"You're too predictable Emma Watson. I knew you were going to rape Calamari, so it was just the simple trick of injecting him with a poison that could be passed on through bodily fluids. And with you having absorbed Magellan just like I planned, the poison is breaking down your body as I speak."

Emma Watson knew she had lost and could do nothing but scream as her body melted into nothingness. After that our battle was over. The danger of the Blue Stone of Afreeka falling into the wrong hands was gone and the threat of Emma Watson was no more. Anderson and I parted ways. Later, through a letter, she would reveal to me that she was my mother. She didn't want the drama of doing it in person. But my past was in the past. I bore her no ill will. I only look to the future. And I was still searching for something.

It was in an Afghanistan airport where my journey to my true journey began. I arrived after a trip to Egypt. It was there where I met an armless fortune teller who gave me what I was searching for.

"The path," he said.

"What?"

"You are a powerful man in search of the path."

"The path to what."

"It is the path to Fanm Sa Move."

I shuddered, such a thing should be impossible and yet this man was speaking of it as if it was.  
"And where does this path begin."

"For you, it begins in the promised land."

And like that I knew I had to go to Afghanistan, to the Tomb of Babur. And that is where Eddy Raja comes in. A mercenary, a treasure hunter and for the right price a travel guide. I was to meet Eddy Raja at the Hamid Karzai International Airport, but he was running late. While waiting at one of the terminals, a short man suddenly bumped into me.

"Watch where you're going konyok!"

I recognized the Indonesian language and quickly surmised this man's identity.

"You must be Eddy Raja then?"

The man's face contorted in fury.

"It's RA-JA! Not R-HA! You Aladdin Jackie? If you hire Eddy Raja, then you better be saying his name right. You heard of me from Naughty Dog eh? I would never have let them use my name if I knew they were going to RAPE it!"

"Well, I apologize. Do you mind that we get a move on. I went to get to the tomb by today."

"Ahhh, straight to business. Eddy Raja likes that. You don't waste time like that asshole Drake."

After that we made our way to the Tomb of Babur. Babur was the founder of the Mughal Dynasty and it was said his power came from a mystical source. My conversation with the fortune teller revealed the origin of poses. They came from a meteorite that struck Asia centuries ago. And from that meteorite weapons were fashioned, not knowing the true power of them. For the meteor was infused with the spirit of Fanm Sa Movie, the original pose. It is the essence of the universe. The weapons spread, but the only known trove of them were within the Tomb of Babur as the Mughal Dynasty was one of the many different empires that have made use of poses. A person struck by their weapons would have their senses awakened and through whatever method of synchronizing theirs minds and hearts they did, they were able to awaken their pose.

Raja and his men led to me to the tomb and I had begun my excavation immediately. I needed these weapons as they would aid me in my quest to find the path. Knowing the components of the weapons I would be able to track down the rest and lead me to the original meteorite as the fortune teller told me that was what lies at the end of my journey. However, in the middle of my excavation the Taliban showed up. Raja had sold me out to the Taliban. They were also hunting for the ancient weapons. I tried to negotiate with them by only taking one, as that was all I needed but they refused. Raja had pickpocketed my Zune and handed it over to them to study as they have never seen anything like it. They took me along as prisoner hoping I would reveal the secret of my powers.

"Damn you Raja, I'll get you for this."

"See you later, Aladdin Jackie. If you want to kill me, you're gonna have to wait a bit. I'm headed to the lost city of El Dorado. Maybe I'll see you there? Then Eddy Raja can kill you himself! HA HA HA!"

That was the last I saw of Eddy Raja. The Taliban had me thrown in a secret prison. It housed their most dangerous enemies as well as hostages they kept. I shared a cell with an America that I had no idea would become one of my closest friends. His name was Colorado Springs. He told me he had come in Afghanistan looking for clues to his daughter's whereabouts.

"So what's your story man."

So I told him. From my birth, my induction into the Church, my battle with Van Orden, and my training with Anderson and victory over Emma Watson. Naturally he was dubious of my powers. I told him I could demonstrate, but unfortunately I did not have my Zune. But incredibly, Colorado revealed to me his hidden talent. He had a five octave vocal range and could sing like Freddie Mercury. He sang the melody of Under Pressure. Unfortunately, that was not enough for me to fully summon Under Pressure but it was enough for a demonstration. As he sang I used Under Pressure to phase through the prison bars and grab the sleeping guard's pistol. I pointed the gun to my head and pulled the trigger. Before he had a chance to stop singing from his shock at my actions, Under Pressure caught the bullet right before it hit. I then returned the gun to the guard after proving to Colorado my powers.

Our neighboring prisoners noticed my feat of strength and with Colorado's coordination they were able to form a barbershop quartet. And with Under Pressure at full strength we were able to escape from the Taliban prison with both my Zune and the ancient weapons of the Mughal Dynasty. Unfortunately when we reached the exit the door would not open.

"What do we do now!?" Colorado asked.

I knew this was the time. The perfect moment. Without saying anything I pulled out the pager my old friend handed me years ago.

"What's that?"

"Just watch."

After pressing the button, Tom Expendable appeared. Colorado and the other prisoners were awed.

"What do you need Aladdin Jackie?"

"We need this door open."

Tom Expendable then pushed the door open. Apparently it was push not pull, but I have no regrets in contacting him.

"You made a wise decision in choosing this to be the time to call me. Goodbye old friend."

After saying farewell, we escaped in one of their trucks. Colorado traveled with me to the neighboring country of Pakistan and from there we journeyed to the city of New Delhi, India. Colorado and I checked into a hotel so we could rest and plan our next course of action. Colorado decided to join me in my quest. His daughter was located somewhere in Asia and after his excursion in Afghanistan he knew he needed protection in his search. I enjoyed his company so from here on it would be the two of us on my journey to find the path. We were in dire need of funds as Colorado had used most of his money to procure transportation to reach India. And I spent most of my money on hiring Raja. So, we needed money. And would find it in Colorado's Safety Deposit Box in California. We used the last of our funds to purchase plane tickets to LAX. And so it is in California where my true story starts.


	2. One

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Aladdin Jackie and the Untainted Juice

Chapter 1

It was 4 pm and we were soon about to land in LAX. Colorado slept through the entire flight. Understandable, he went through much and did it all without even being able to pose. I too was tired from being only able to summon Under Pressure using Colorado's cover of the song instead of the original recording. However, I was too anxious to fall asleep. I wanted to continue my journey to find the path. Unfortunately, we were running low on cash, so we had to use what we had left to buy tickets to LAX. Once there we would gather funds from Colorado's safety deposit box.

30 minutes later the intercom sounded, "We are about to begin our final descent into Los Angeles, California. We hope you enjoyed our flight with us." Finally, we have arrived. Although this should only be a slight detour I made sure my Zune was fully charged. It has been some time since I've been in America and it seems much has changed and I had no idea what to expect.

After we landed, our primary concern was to find transportation. Colorado insisted on simply calling a cab but I knew we had to rent our own car. Colorado was confused about this, but I've been in too many life-and-death situations where Enterprise Rent-A-Car was my salvation. For Enterprise Rent-A-Car was founded by an old friend of mine: Jack C. Taylor.

Taylor was once a member of the Church of Van Orden just as I was. However, he was not a true follower but an independent researcher who recognized the knowledge that the Church held. He was the one who passed on to me the mantle of Austere Religious Scholar. Likewise, he was able to escape the church when he recognized Van Orden's growing instability. But once he left he had to go underground so he could escape Van Orden's vindictive wrath. Luckily he thought ahead and hid his newfound pose power from Van Orden. He renamed his small rental car company, which he used as a cover for his true work, from Executive Leasing Company to Enterprise Rent-A-Car, after the ship he served on during his time in the navy: the USS Enterprise. This simple trick was enough to fool Van Orden as Van Orden did not involve himself with cars. He believed that the only true mode of transportation were boats. Before I freed his soul, Van Orden was dead set on revolutionizing the boat into a land vehicle. He was experimenting with adding wheels but he did not make much of a breakthrough in his research.

But once I defeated the Church, Taylor reached out to me and revealed the truth. He offered the services of his company, Enterprise Rent-A-Car whenever I was in need. Unfortunately in our current scenario Enterprise has not yet expanded to the Middle East. It appears Hertz has a monopoly in the Middle East. It was only later that I realized the true nature of the Hertz Corporation.

While we waited for our car, Colorado explained what has changed in the US since I've been gone, "So, Clinton lost in 96'. The comedian Jerry Seinfeld was launched to the presidency as an unexpected third-party candidate, winning with a landslide victory. After he took office, he used his electoral mandate to pass his sweeping agenda. His latest law was the "Hunt Down OJ Simpson Act of 1996 and after that … ."

I laughed in response before Colorado could finish. The Juice was a four-time NFL rushing leader and ran for more than 11,000 yards. You'd have to be a poser if you wanted to catch him. I did not know just how right I was when I said those words.

Our car soon arrived. I took a while for I had requested a Pontiac Aztek.

Colorado drove while I sat in the passenger seat. I asked about his daughter and if he had any leads on where she could be.

"Well, she always was a willful child. Thankfully, she dated a football player during high school that wrangled her in. I liked him. He was always straight to the point and didn't stop till he got what he wanted. For some reason, though they didn't last and later she fell in with the wrong crowd. After that, she refused to listen to me or her mom. She and her friends decided to go to Africa to build houses for the poor and that was the last I heard of her. What's wrong with kids today Aladdin Jackie? They all buy into this new age crap of self-empowerment and think about your fellow man. What happened to the good old days where men were men, women were women, and gays were confirmed bachelors."

"I don't know what to say Colorado. When I was younger I too was confused. Campbells or Progresso, Chef Boyardee or Spaghetti-Os, White or Black, consensual or non consensual. Some choices are just harder than others. All I know is that I stand for three things, Tangled is the greatest cinematic experience in history, Shelley Duvall is the most beautiful woman to grace this Earth and jet fuel doesn't melt steel beams. I had to understand those three things before I could even begin to understand myself. So, maybe you're daughter is just searching for what she stands for."

"Thanks Aladdin Jackie, that actually makes me feel better. Maybe when she's ready she'll reach out.," Colorado replied.

Or she's just been kidnapped by Boko Haram and was raped and left for dead in the middle of Africa. You always have to take into account all possible scenarios.

I could tell Colorado was in awe of my wise words as he temporarily lost control of the car and swerved into the other lane. However, this would save our lives as suddenly a squadron of police cars sped past us as sirens blared for what seemed like hours. Tanks soon followed as well as helicopters hovering overhead accompanied by fighter jets.

"Dear God, what the hell are they after", Colorado asked.

No idea, let's follow.

"But what about getting the money."

When life gives you lemons you make lemonade Colorado! Now Drive!

Colorado wouldn't stop asking questions so I did what any good friend would do. I summoned Under Pressure to take control of the car and chase after the small army without his consent. As Genie said in the film Good Will Hunting, "Carpe Diem, Seize the Day." I knew whatever was going on was something we could not pass up.

To catch up we took a different route. The car that they were chasing was soon in sight.

"My God, their chasing Charles Barkley we have to stop them," I screamed.

WHAT WHY! Colorado asked.

He's the star player on my fantasy team! We can't let the police get to him!

"Wait we're getting closer. Actually, it looks like - Agh! I'm such an idiot, it's OJ Simpson, of course, the new law President Seinfeld passed. Aladdin Jackie this is police business maybe we should just leave it alone and make our way … "

"Don't be racist Colorado! Not all black people look alike. We have to help Sir Charles. Wait, I can sense something in the sky with Under Pressure. Give me a second." Whatever I was sensing it was even further up in the sky then the aircraft chasing Charles Barkley. "Wait, I got it. Predator drones! HA HA HA! How about it Colorado, let's use their own weapons against them.

WAIT, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GONNA DO!!?? Colorado screamed.

I put my Zune on max volume and started the beat that I knew so well. What happened afterward may have been the most difficult use of my Pose I ever performed. Simultaneously slowing down our car, while also speeding up Barkley's car to create enough distance between us and the brave men and women who signed up to serve and protect that I've targeted with missiles. The act was swift. Nothing but smoke and debris from the aftermath, or so I thought. Barkley's car stopped ahead and I quickly parked ours' next to it.

"Looks like it's your lucky day Sir Charles. What are you even doing here I thought the Rockets were playing a home ga- My God! Your OJ Simpson. It seems we've made a terrible mistake Colorado."

Before Colorado could respond, music suddenly started playing. A guitar riff in the key of C. As it continued Colorado and I noticed our feet were moving on their own.

"What the hell's going on now Aladdin Jackie!!!"

"This must be the work of an enemy pose!"

"Your correct brother", OJ Simpson said. He continued, "It's a pose user named Madagascar Ferrari. His pose is Walk this Way and it makes you walk his way."

"How do you know this", I asked.

"Cause he's been chasing me ever since President Seinfeld passed that bullshit law. I'm innocent I tell you, I was framed by Hertz," OJ said.

"It seems there's more than meets the eyes with Hertz Colorado, we'll have to look into it later."

"We've got bigger problems Aladdin Jackie, like how the hell are we going to escape this mess," said Colorado.

Right after Colorado said those words, a tall red-haired man with the physique of a Renaissance sculpture and clad in a puffy shirt stepped forward. I knew this was bad news. The more muscular your body the more powerful your poses are. It appears that all the work I did to paralyze and crush Jamie Oliver's larynx to prevent him from spreading his message of eating well and living longer was for nothing.

"It seems you've got powerful allies Simpson," Ferrari said. "I never imagined that a poser would be in leagues with you." Ferrari then turned to me. "Don't you know he's a murderer, but it seems you are too. Taking out all the brave servicemen who refused to let a killer walk free, you're as despicable as him."

"How dare you call me a murderer. I've never killed a single soul. I only free them. And I only free evil souls so they can be judged. It seems you're friends aren't as innocent as you think."

"I served in Operation Desert Storm with them!" Ferrari shot back.

"I have no idea what that is. But I do know this. I started this day with only three beliefs. But now I have a fourth." Turning to my right and with the utmost conviction in my voice I uttered the following words, "OJ Simpson is an innocent man. He's, "The Untainted Juice."

Annoyed, Ferrari responded, "It doesn't matter what you think, my pose power prevents you from doing anything but to walk my way." 

"Can the man of the hour get a word in," OJ interrupted. If y'all haven't noticed I'm not walking, or I'm not walking your way.

OJ suddenly pulled out a walkman and the muffled sound of a falsetto traveled to our ears.

"You two aren't the only posers here. I pose too and my pose .. is Smooth Criminal."

Ferrari burst out in laughter and proceeded to taunt OJ, "It doesn't matter what your pose is. You're gonna have to approach me if you want to defeat me. And once you get in the range of my pose you're helpless."

OJ snidely responded, "Oh I don't think so." Suddenly he started walking backward. It appeared the power of Smooth Criminal was that it allows its user to walk backward.

As Ferrari looked on in shock OJ pulled out an M9 beretta and shot Ferrari's iPod. With Walk this Way no longer playing I activated my Zune to summon Under Pressure. I proceeded to shatter Ferrari's kneecaps to prevent him from escaping and then I knocked him out with a blow to the temple. Colorado and I then ran towards OJ.

"Thanks man. By the way, where did you get that gun", Colorado asked.

OJ responded, "I'm black."

"Nevermind that, I have my own questions" I added. "Why didn't you free his soul? You had the chance."

"Like you said, I'm innocent. I'm not a murderer," OJ responded.

"Well if you're not gonna free his soul, then allow me. It's been a while since I've been able to free a soul and the urge is coming back."

OJ quickly shot back, "No don't. Consider this a way of paying me back for rescuing you. I'm innocent and I'm gonna prove it. And when I do Madagascar Ferrari is gonna be the first person I'm gonna see."

"C'mon Aladdin Jackie it's the least we could do," Colorado said in support of OJ.

I sighed but relented, "Ok, but it seems that this is where we part ways OJ. I'd love to help an innocent man like yourself, but you see Colorado and I are on a journey, so we won't be in Los Angeles for much longer."

OJ asked, "where you headed."

"North Korea"

OJ simply replied, "What a coincidence, so am I."


	3. Two

-

Chapter 2

We made a quick escape, but now that we were traveling with OJ, we had to lay low. Also, for some reason, now the police were on the lookout for us too. But still, we had to get to the bank to access Colorado's safety deposit box. While OJ's Bronco was destroyed in our fight with Madagascar Ferrari, thankfully Colorado and I's Pontiac Aztek were still intact.

Ah … they truly don't make them like that anymore.

Once again, Colorado drove. OJ and I needed to recover after having used our poses. However, this did give me a chance to learn more about OJ and how he got his pose. This information would prove crucial to my journey to find the path.

"So, your pose, what's the story behind it," I asked.

"Why do you want to know?"

"I'm curious. Why would a running back have a pose that lets him move backward."

OJ chuckled, "it seems you're still a young poser. You don't understand that you have to be able to move backwards before you can move forward."

Colorado then quickly interjected, "Hold up, what does that even mean -

QUIET PEASANT!!! THIS DOES NOT CONCERN ONE WHO CANNOT BEND!!!

Colorado then proceeded to keep quiet for the rest of the ride. It seemed as if he didn't want to get on OJ's bad side. I couldn't imagine why.

I wasn't until we were getting closer to the bank that Colorado spoke again.

"We're here. So how we doing this."

Before we could come up with a plan, suddenly the Mist from Stephen King's The Mist rolled by. I realized that this was the perfect cover for us to sneak into the bank and get its money.

"It seems that nature is on our side with this unexpected occurrence. Ah good ol' climate change," I said.

We soon entered the bank with OJ waiting outside in the Mist. I knew that with his pose skills any eldritch being he'd encounter would be doomed. However, once we reached the teller I knew that we could get more money than what was in Colorado's deposit box. So, I decided we should rob the bank and hold the customers hostages for ransom. To succeed I called OJ to come in for backup. Right before I called him OJ came rushing in and screamed.

"Guys, this isn't just any old mist. It's the mist of an enemy poser!"

"Another poser already!" I responded.

We had no idea who could be behind this attack, so we couldn't do anything but wait.

First, we had to explain the situation to the others in the bank. A second ago they were our hostages, but now we had to work together to survive this pose attack. This truly showed how fate was always out of our hands. I used my pose Under Pressure to gather their attention and explained what was going on and OJ's presence helped to prove our story. The Mist outside now covered the bank. While not everybody believed my explanation about poses, they could not deny the fact that something strange was going on. One man decided to speak up and propose a solution to our dilemma. His name was Father Boatmody, a worldwide famous priest that taught comparative religious studies at UCLA and was considered an expert in supernatural affairs.

"I recognize this phenomenon. It's the same thing that occured Bridgton, Maine. It's a mist that houses eldritch abominations from another dimension. I was actually on the team that developed the weapon to fight this disaster. The weapon is derived from the same technology as vacuum cleaners."

The bank manager spoke up, "The maintenance staff keeps their equipment in the back."

Boatmody responded, "Excellent! Quick bring it to me."

As Boatmody explained his plan OJ, Colorado and I talked amongst ourselves about our doubts.

"You realize what he's proposing right guys," OJ said.

"Yeah, of course."

"Wait. What exactly is the problem here?" Colorado asked.

"The vacuum cleaner to suck up all the ghouls and goblins out there. It's the proton pack from Ghostbusters," I explained.

From Colorado's reaction, I could tell he understood now what the danger was.

"Damn it! Why didn't I realize this earlier!" Colorado said.

Colorado's realization was that legal dangers of using a device so similar to the proton pack in public. I was familiar with the incident Boatmody was talking about. Enterprise rent-a-car worked with the US government to develop a weapon in Hartford, Connecticut to defeat the original mist. It was a one time use in secret for them, but for us it would be in public in a crowded bank. The potential copyright lawsuit that we could face from Columbia Pictures over the use of a device that is essentially the proton pack was a danger we weren't willing to risk. We would have to turn over all the money we earned from robbing the bank. We needed a different way to defeat Stephen King's the Mist.

The first step in our new plan was to discredit Father Boatmody. The crowd was quickly swayed by Boatmody's words. And they looked upon us and OJ with disdain. I had no idea why. It would be easy to foil Boatmody's plan however. Only posers can see poses. So, the plan was for Boatmody to build his device but have Under Pressure sabotage it before it could do its work.

An hour passed as Boatmody worked meticulously. The fact that someone with as much expertise as him was here was able to stop panic from taking hold of the crowd. As he neared completion of the makeshift proton pack I tried to get close to him to activate Under Pressure. Unfortunately he refused to let me or OJ near him. He didn't trust us so we had to create a diversion to distract him. OJ, Colorado and I pestered him with inane questions. Boatmody wouldn't budge he was a stubborn man. Eventually though he reached a breaking point. Boatmody screamed at us after I accused him of being sexually attracted to shitting children.

Boatmody screamed, "Would you people just shut up!"

And after that outburst he went back to work. Nothing we said could separate him from his invention. OJ's quick thinking, however, saved us.

"Woah, woah, woah … woah. What do you mean YOU PEOPLE?!"

OJs' word's caught Boatmody and the crowd off guard. Suddenly, the atmosphere was on our side. Lead by Colorado, the crowd, with OJ and I interspersed among them, swarmed Boatmody. OJ activated Smooth Criminal to make Boatmody back away from the proton pack. And with the crowd following them I activated Under Pressure to destroy Boatmody's creation. We had the potential legal troubles out of the way now, but we still had to find a way to deal with Stephen King's the Mist.

Our plan after this was to throw out ideas that could potentially defeat the poser summoning this mist. Boatmody continued to be a problem though. Slowly, he won over his lost following. However, Colorado came up with a solution to our Mist problem as well as our Boatmody problem: human sacrifice. When the crowd heard of our plan they were skeptical of course. Boatmody especially. But we convinced the crowd. We had been stuck in that bank for hours and the crowd was getting desperate. And even if we killed Boatmody we would also be killing a racist. So, with the crowd on our side we broke two boards to create a cross to crucify Boatmody. We threw the crucifix out into the Mist to see where the poser would attack Boatmody from. Unfortunately, the poser attacked Boatmody from different sides, ripping him apart at the limbs. Our plan to smoke out the poser with Boatmody didn't work but the underlying principle did. So, the draw out the poser I used Under Pressure to round up the crowd and OJ used Smooth Criminal to send them all walking backwards out into the Mist. After the brave sacrifice of our fellow bank visitors, we deduced the poser's location in the Mist to two locations within. However, we couldn't be sure which one it was. The Mist was too dangerous for us to split up to fight we had to stick together. And even still we couldn't risk being wrong as it was dangerous enough that we didn't have the skills to survive being in the Mist for too long.

That's when we came up with the idea of using the vacuum to suck up the mist with. Without Boatmody's fancy gadgetry this was just a regular vacuum. And with the sacrifice of the crowd, there would be no one to accuse us of stealing from Ghostbusters. So, we activated the vacuum and soon after the Mist was gone. We discovered the poser hiding behind a car. When we found him I used Under Pressure to dismember his limbs as a way to avenge the brave Father Boatmody who gave his life to defeat this poser. And now with enough money, OJ, Colorado and I went back to our Aztek and drove to LAX to continue our journey to North Korea.


End file.
